Tag Archives: the opposite of fun

04/1/12

{365.92} I Celebrate Never Having To Be Eighteen Again

My younger sister is due to start her freshman year of college in the fall. This has been the nonstop topic of debate in our family since January when she graduated high school early; she transitioned to taking classes at a community college with all the other students who finished early, and will get her diploma in June with the rest of her class. She applied to 7 schools and got accepted to three, but the rejection letter from her first choice really devastated her. There are a lot of things I could say about her approach to all these applications, but I won’t go into exhaustive detail. I just look at it as something she’ll remember when she’s older and think, boy, I could have tried a little harder.

I sound harsh, I know, but it’s true. She was late for several of her admissions deadlines. She didn’t really want to go to any California colleges, so she half-assed the applications for them and subsequently got rejected from all but one. I was the one who proofread her essays, and I told her my honest opinion: she could have given it more effort. Maybe she underestimated the amount of competition that she had to deal with, or maybe she just didn’t believe it when everyone told her that the admissions process is rigorous and demanding. When she applied for her first choice — Emory, in Georgia — she told all of us that it was a guaranteed acceptance. She seemed to know, like the back of her hand, that she was going to get in. Our guess at this point is that this confidence made her complacent when she was applying, and her final package was lackluster in comparison to what she could’ve delivered if she was really trying.

(Note: we are not the stereotypical Asian family where you’re expected to get into an Ivy League school. The family goal has always just been for both of us to graduate from college.)

So now, our family is at a crossroads. My parents want to go home to the Philippines for good, and for that to happen, Nina has to be settled at whatever college she chooses to attend. Her only options are UC Santa Cruz and the University of Buffalo in New York State. It seems from her attitude that she would rather die than go to Santa Cruz — my sister has never shared the love for California and the west coast that the rest of us have — which leaves the college in NY. It’s in the Niagara area, so not actually in NYC. But this college is so expensive that it’s got my parents’ eyes popping out of their skulls. They’ve offered her a total of $30,000 in scholarship money that she can choose to put towards either her tuition or board. She also came away with a Pell grant. But the total cost for four full years at this school is somewhere in the ballpark of $110,000, and when the calculations were made, it was determined that the loan payment she’d be dealing with post-graduation is a staggering $700+ a month. I’m currently putting down $300 a month on my own student loans, and it’s making me want to cry. I can’t even imagine being expected to put $700 a month towards student loans. I realize that there are a lot of people in this kind of debt, but we were hoping to spare her from it as much as we could, keep the cost as low as possible. It doesn’t seem like this is going to happen though, because Nina is bound and determined to go to college in NY, and every attempt we make at talking about it results in a huge fight. We aren’t telling her she can’t go, mind you. We just want to lay down the facts for her, show her what the numbers are, before she makes this big decision. But, true to form, she’s taking it all defensively and in totally the wrong way. *Yay*

This all just frustrates me because I’ve been there, eighteen years old and confused as hell. My parents never really gave me the option of applying to a university after high school. It seemed, during my senior year, that I was the only one not going through the admissions process. I was headed for community college, because this was what we could afford, and my vague dreams of going to college on the mainland were dashed when my parents basically told me this wasn’t an option. I spent my freshman year in CC, and then we moved to Texas, where I transferred to Midwestern State in my sophomore year. This all worked out for the best, in the end, but I remember that at the time I really felt unhappy. I hadn’t wanted to leave Hawaii for Texas, AT ALL. And when you’re 18 going on 19, it’s easy to believe the whole world is against you, that everything and everyone is just conspiring to foil your grand plans for yourself. You’re too young to realize that your grand plans are kind of dumb. You’re too proud to admit that you have 0 direction in life. And above all, you resent the people who try to give you practical advice. This is where Nina is right now, and it’s amplified in her case because she’s always been drastically different in temperament compared to me. I could be reasoned with, bullied, made to accept that I was wrong. Nina is 100% more stubborn, would rather pick a fight than apologize or admit that she made a mistake. The truth? She should’ve tried harder when she was applying for colleges, should’ve been more sensible, should’ve taken it more seriously. But it’s too late now, and when we try to point out how expensive it would be to go to NY, she just sees it as her family being meddlesome. She goes into me-against-the-world mode, there’s a shouting match, dad walks out and doesn’t return for almost two hours, we’re all upset and everything is awkward.

So yeah, Day 2 of the family visit went well. Super well. Dad got home from walking off his anger and frustration, went immediately into the spare bedroom, and never came out again. Mom lectured Nina for another 30 minutes before giving up and going in too. And I was getting really ticked off looking at her face full of self-pity and teenage angst, so I retreated into my own bedroom and took the dog with me. Yeesh. I don’t know, my sister baffles me. She’s always been this way, I’m really not exaggerating. I’m sure there are people out there who would tell us to just let her go, leave her alone, let her make stupid mistakes and pay the price. These are going to be her massive, gigantic student loans anyway — why bother trying to explain the costs to her? Why are we wasting our time? But in the end, family is family and none of us is comfortable with letting her walk into this without at least making sure she knows what she’s walking into. And yet, even our well-intentioned attempts at helping her just get interpreted as us telling her what to do. We’re just the annoying people she’s forced to call her family, dragging her down and messing up all her idealistic dreams.

I think, at heart, I’m disappointed because I know she could do so well. She has so much potential. There are so many schools she could’ve applied to and been accepted to, she could’ve had more options than this. But pride is a difficult thing to get over, when you’re as young as she is. It’s cliche to say that she could go far if she would just apply herself, but it’s how I truly feel.

Let’s hope tomorrow has less shouting involved. Ugh. On that note, soooooo glad I’m not 18 anymore. Being so disagreeable and melodramatic now seems exhausting to matronly, 24-year-old me. Hahahaha.

01/28/12

{Project 365.28} I Wish Hello Kitty Was Our Neighbor

Hmm, I didn’t have anything in particular for today’s picture so I’m sharing my amazing Hello Kitty lunchbox containers instead. Yes, I know, you love them too.

So last night I was up late, as I usually am, but it was really not as peaceful as it could’ve been because our upstairs neighbors came home around 1:00am, sounded like they were raking the floor with something, then cranked up their radio to top volume. I’m talking loud enough that the bass was making the walls in our living room throb. In fact, speak of the devil, they’re doing it RIGHT NOW. One night I practically watched an entire movie with them from the comfort of my couch, the dialogue was booming through the ceiling. Anytime they’re home, it’s impossible to drown out the sound of their music, TV, or whatever they happen to be blasting at noise pollution level. Are they deaf? I doubt it. Are they incredibly rude? Clearly. I don’t get how people can be this way in an apartment complex where you know there are other people all around you. Can you really not tell that your music is too loud? Even worse is that they lack the common courtesy to turn the volume down. If it’s 4:00am, I SHOULDN’T BE ABLE TO HEAR YOU.

Oh, and for some reason they can’t use the stairs without making thundering noises. AND they have an annoying little dog that yaps all the livelong day. I don’t know how we ended up with rotten neighbors again, maybe it’s just inevitable when you live in an apartment. Still, we aren’t bad or noisy neighbors. So why do we always end up with the complete opposite kind of neighbor living upstairs? At our last apartment we had only one girl living upstairs and you would’ve thought she had a pet elephant, what with the constant rumbling noises at 2am. Sometimes I wondered if she was wearing lead-weighted shoes.

All of this really just means we need to really find a house to rent instead of renewing our lease when it’s up. Ugh.

01/19/12

{Project 365.19} I Need Willpower Training

Our dining room table is currently Editing Hell HQ around here, so not only is it stacked up with books and magazines on one side, but it also has my editing notebook and print-outs of my chapters perched on top of the pile. I have all my of my work in digital format, of course, since I use a word processor to write, but when it comes to editing I still feel more comfortable doing so with paper and highlighters. I’ve actually tried editing before using equivalent tools on a word processor, and I’m so much less productive with my editing that way. I think a lot of it has to do with closing up my laptop and not being able to distract myself with random Internet excursions during the process…. LOL. But anyway, yes, I have been editing and it’s really not fun for me. I mean, it’s very beneficial and I do catch my own mistakes, but beating myself up over these edits is sooooo not my idea of an enjoyable time. I’ve mentioned before that I’m really pretty hard on myself when it comes to my writing, and while I’m not much of a perfectionist in other areas, I am definitely a perfectionist about my work. I don’t want to deliver anything less than the best I can give. I want a story that makes you pay attention, a story with characters you come to care about, and I can’t have this if I don’t buckle down and edit my brains out.

Editing makes me feel very inadequate sometimes — I wonder how I didn’t see that, or why I didn’t add this to so and so chapter to make it better. But I do remind myself as frequently as I have to that this is the entire point of editing. I can’t expect myself to write a finished product that is also a clean manuscript the first time around. So, to make myself feel better when I’m slumped over this table wanting to gouge my eyes out with pink highlighter, I try to remember that the time I’m investing in doing this is going to make the story so much higher quality. The good things about it will get better. The bad things about it will, hopefully, be fixed. While there are few things I like about the editing process, I do love that I discover new perspectives and angles about my own story when I’m reading analytically as opposed to writing creatively. There are just things you don’t see when you’re pushing to move a story forward.

My biggest problem, though, is that I get distracted so easily when I’m sitting here at home trying to get work done. I’m considering relocating myself to the library or someplace else that doesn’t have things like cozy beds that make you want to take a nap. In fact, the other reason why I edit on paper is that it gives me no excuse to have my laptop turned on. Then, I can’t fall into the Twitter/Facebook/Blogroll Trap. T-T As David so correctly pointed out, if I’m going to do this, I have to turn it into my job. This is doable right now since I don’t have a full time job, and it’s something I’ve read on a lot of other authors’ blogs when they talk about their experiences. I’ve been reading this on every single article containing advice for writers. I’ve read it in books about writing. So I need to set schedules and goals for myself that I stick with, because productivity is such a challenge when you could wander off to the other room, pick up your Nook, and lose yourself in reading for 2 hours when you should’ve been editing. Ugh, I’ll let you know how successful I am. LOL.

01/7/12

{Project 365.7} I Bore of Being Ill

I slept until 1:00pm today — so shameful! I am sad to announce that the Tylenol I took last night had absolutely no effect on me whatsoever. I stayed up super late reading (and finishing) Entwined by Heather Dixon and then working on a chapter I’ve been stuck on for days now. I only realized what time it was when David poked head through the bedroom door, half asleep, and told me it was 5am. Thus admonished, I went to bed and unsuccessfully tried to fall asleep for about another hour. As you may or may not know, it can be hard to fall asleep if you can’t breathe through your nose and have to keep sneezing/reaching for a Kleenex every 5 minutes. Thus immersed in misery, I sniffled and wheezed until I finally managed to sleep. Woke up with an aching neck and a nose that still refused to function properly. This time I reverted back to Mucinex… so far it has at least helped me breathe better.

I’m sitting in my papasan chair by the windows in our living room, listening to the wind howling outside. You’d seriously think there was a hurricane going on, it’s that loud and alarming. Yet, the sun is shining (beginning to set now, actually, since dark comes astonishingly early here in Nevada) and there’s no sign of a torrential downpour anywhere. It just sounds like it. I have no idea if it’s cold or not, since I haven’t been bothered to check on my phone for the weather, but David did mention on Monday that we were going to have a drop in temperature this weekend. I hate being cold. It’s going to be fun walking the dog this evening T-T

Wow, I am being really boring today. LOL.

Later, we’re planning to watch Inception again since we bought it on sale from Amazon during the holiday season. For some reason, we never bought it before then, even though we both thought the movie was amazing. Of course, we have no idea what to have for dinner since we still haven’t gone grocery shopping and the house is sort of devoid of food. Well, we have snack food… but nothing to really make a meal out of. A common dilemma. I said I was going to cook more this year as part of my (nebulous) New Year’s resolution, but so far I haven’t ventured out to buy ingredients in order to try my hand at anything. I really need to do that. We can’t just continue eating the way we ate in college, halphazardly and without any kind of nutritional value at all. It’s just sort of hard when we’re limited in what we eat by how picky we are, lol. Neither of us is fond of vegetables, we are NOT adventurous eaters, and we tend to order the same things over and over again in restaurants: chicken, chicken fried steak, french fries, mashed potatoes, et al etc. So it’s really a challenge to come up with things to learn how to cook, when essentially it would be the same menu over and over again unless we expanded our horizons a little bit T-T

Change is hard to initiate, that’s for sure. One change I would like is for this bout of illness to pass, because I grow weary of being attached to my box of Kleenex at the hip. I hope I’m right in surmising that I’ll feel more motivated to pursue activities like cooking and making the bed when I’m not feeling like crap. Ugh.

01/6/12

{Project 365.6} I Pray to the Tylenol Gods

Still sick, if you can’t surmise that from the title and today’s photo. I woke up at the horrific hour of 6:00am, largely because I couldn’t breathe. I spent the next few hours blowing my nose and feeling very sad. LOL. I felt better after taking a shower, then fell asleep again for part of the afternoon. Being ill is an extremely unpleasant situation to be in. Hopefully I’ll feel better than this tomorrow… I took two of these Tylenol caplets about an hour ago, not that they’ve done anything for me yet at all. My nose is still running, which the front of this box says it’s supposed to alleviate. Lies! I would’ve gone for the Sudafed instead, but we were at Target and apparently those have to be bought from the pharmacy, which was closed by then. Thus, here I am, still feeling congested and irritable and sick.

I did buy a Toblerone though. If the Tylenol doesn’t decide to kick in ever, at least I have chocolate T-T